My heart will choose to say...

My life is up and it is down
I try to keep both feet on the ground
Your love is all that gets me through
All I need on this earth is you

And I can hear your voice reciting:
"I'm here, I'm closer than your breath
I've conquered even death
I am still here
And just like I was then
You can't remember when I was not here"

Jesus, you're the author of my heart
Told me you wanted every part
And now my life and its demands
Are resting safety in your hands

And I can hear your voice inviting:
"I'm here, I'll never leave your side
My stubborn weary child
I am still here
Please let me lead you on
Your race is already won I am your God"
-Sixpence

I really don't know that there are better words for this week. He wants every part, and He is taking every part. However, I am His child and He is good! My race is won already. Wow. What amazing hope we have! I have to say, this week I have been shown time and time again how the love I thought I had that would go so far has crumbled like a whitewashed wall in a storm from God (see Ezekiel 13:13-16 for where the concept comes from in my head, even though it's talking about something a bit different). He has shown me the point my love ends and His begins. My endurance is short; my patience is thin; I am irritable and resentful towards people I love when things get hard. Jesus, however, provides a love that always endures, is patient, and is never irritable or resentful (I Cor. 13). May He continue tear down me and build things that will last! Some may say I am crazy to continue to ask for this after they have seen me this week, but I will continue to ask for refinement until I am totally His and He is my portion without question or hesitation. "He gives and takes away, but my heart will choose to say - Blessed be His name!" Also, just so you know I am also asking for a time of rest and to catch a break for a day or two if it won't change the process of refining me. Join me in that too please!

ps the picture is from jess and my drive home from st. aug. a couple weeks ago.

i heart the flu

might i just say...I HEART F.L.U.!! (my homegroup)

you kids sent me off so well tonight. a whole hg devoted to worship, taking communion all together one last time, letting me share my heart for a good while and praying for me...wow. thanks for letting me spill all my tears and crying with me in worship and the amazing scrapbook you assembled for me. what an amazing collection of memories to take on my journey. i loved your ralphie poems, and remember that miss wendi c. has the mac and cheese recipe so you won't be without! i know i'm leaving, but i can't let you miss out the amazing pasta just b/c i'm gone.

He gives and takes away, but remember ALWAYS - blessed be His name! Get mixed up, kids.

Why wouldn't you photo booth it at the oaks mall?

<-- So that's my lovely roommate who threw me a sweet awesome time with many friends last night at the FLU house! Thanks to all you kids for giving me one more chance to chill with you and see your beautiful smiling faces.

My trip wrapped up really well this week and based on above comments I guess you have correctly assumed I made it back to FL safely. The time at Union in TN was amazing and really God-appointed - there's no way to deny that after all I learned and saw there. I got to meet many of jmay's friends and she took me to class where I wascalled a heretic! (long story...union kids really aren't haters).

I am becoming more convinced with each day that passes and everyone I encounter that we need to press on in praying for God to mix us up, release His people from complacency and drive us to our knees. I have been inspired many times over the last few weeks to ask these things for my bros and sisters 'round the world. Press on kids...don't let up!

like a rockstar....

Hello my loves! I feel like I'm one of those rockstars on tour writing a travel diary today. Mostly just wanted to give a quick shout out and say that I made it to TN safely and am having a wonderful time w/ my roommate from the interview in VA that I went to in January (we call her jmay). Sunday I got to spend some good times w/ my girls in ATL. I even found 2 shirts in the sleepwear section at Target that are super cute and long so I'll be able to wear them when I move - yay!

I drove up to TN from Atlanta yesterday morning and hung out at Union for awhile when we decided it best to road trip more and head to Memphis to hang out w/ jmay's mom and little bro. And then last night I got to see a girls basketball game - the kappa delts vs. the non-greek girls who showed up and wore yellow and grey shirts. It was a hilarious display of air balls and struggles over the ball which began and ended with one girl on the floor clutching the ball in fetal position not willing to give it up. They did make some shots though - the final score was something in the teens to a single digit number.

The reality of only having one more week in Gainesville is a little strange, but I'll be so excited for that good time we're going to have Friday night at the FLU house and next week at the ox and around town. I love you kids.

I leave you with this that I found outside my door on an index card when I awoke this morning to someone making hot team (mmmm....can't beat that!):

"Ointment and perfume delight the heart,
And the sweetness of a man’s friend gives delight by hearty counsel."
-Proverbs 27:9

Sorry no picture today - I'm not doing this on my computer!

not about arnold palmer, not even in the least...

So, Conversation Wednesday was pretty incredible this morning. Pam, Wendi and I learned together more about pride and becoming ready for battle. We mostly talked about how we don’t need to defend ourselves in conversations or try to one up people with a better anecdote. That seems to be the way we communicate in America a good deal of the time- conversations become competitions. Over the last year this is something I have learned to reflect on more and try to consciously make the decision that it is okay if I’m misunderstood, and I don’t need to constantly maintain a certain perception of me (that’s a myth - as if we really could control what people think of us, but we sure try hard anyway).

We also looked at the Cave of Adullam (again – keep ending up there due to these girls and jmay) and some of David’s men who tasted some sweet victories on account of sticking it out through battles everyone else ran away from. The key words in all that to me have been that God brings about victory – NOT me, or my relentlessness….He allows us to taste victory and blesses our obedience with that. Anyway – we’re all pretty excited about this time of being trained up.

In lifegroup last night I was reminded yet again from Job of having a childlike faith. Should we accept some things from Him and not others? NO! We believe He is sovereign and will bring Himself glory. Hence, faith, trust – it’s a beautiful thing, kids.

On a lighter note, Jess, Wendi and I got to eat lunch together (our new friends didn’t show…) and ended up with quite a time of hilarity. Jess and I showed Wendi all our ‘stupid human tricks,’ and learned that Wendi is just so amazing in a thousand other ways she would max out on cool points if she had any tricks…oh well, some of us aren’t so lucky! Jess was pretty confident she’d be able to touch her nose to her elbow when I asked if she could and we spent quite awhile watching her attempt such a feat. She decided it’s going to take some training, but one day she’ll be in the Olympics for it! Once that stopped Jess invented a game: we flipped a coin and called heads/tails. The loser had to touch their nose to the other person’s elbow…hence the picture ^ up there.

Then it's sunrise Thursday, Muffin Friday. . . adventures to: St. Augustine w/ Jess (and E in spirit when we go to the fort!), Atlanta to see Jess D and E, and then…Union University in TN to visit jmay (my roomie from the interview I went to in VA in Jan) and other union kids I have come to love as of late.

<--- from the sunrise at my 'rents place...i've been enjoying the beauty of sunrise this semester. May light dispell darkness!

The name of this is “Standing Inside the Fire” because I don’t believe in sitting out on things because you are scared of getting hurt (well, sans group sports).

“We call them fools Who have to dance within the flame Who chance the sorrow and the shame That always comes with getting burned…Life is not tried, it is merely survivedIf you’re standing outside the fire.”

The last few weeks have been exhilarating, however very much along the lines of chancing sorrow to have danced within the flame, as it were. My kids here at UF are an incredible bunch, as are the atl girls, my new friends at union, the people who make up my history in Clearwater, etc, etc. The decision to dive into life and not settle for half-hearted friendship or love is making this time hard. Just to be clear, I have no regrets about becoming so intertwined with people or the decision to leave…it’s just hard. I have been reading a book about women workers where I’m headed and one recurring theme is the creation of a new identity as you move into a society very much segregated by sex, a different language and focused on community, and having to give up your old identity from the states. When I have thought about the concept of dying to myself in the past it has always been something I thought of as giving up selfish ambition, seeking my own advantage, pride, possessions, dreams, etc. Now I am realizing at this time in my life the calling to die to myself is cutting deeper – it is literally meaning – to die to me. The concept I have of myself and my individual identity is really important to me as an American. We spend countless hours devising this thing that we define ourselves as and that is to be relinquished. Am I willing to become anything for His sake? Even a different concept of myself? It was shared with me by a pretty wise chica today that there is an awful lot to each of us and that every time we give up something of ourselves there is something new uncovered and we will be amazed at the versatility God has given us. I find a degree of comfort and excitement in knowing that God is changing me – not just on the fringes, but fundamentally. At the same time, all of this is coming in one package and it’s a lot of change to think about at once!

The language practice at lunch w/ my new friends is going really well. We have fun and I have been able to share some neat things with them along the way. It’s been an awesome blessing the last week.

So while I find myself crying at some pretty random moments and I struggle through, I am blessed by many encouragers and warriors around me. Thanks to all who are constantly in my corner. You are indeed making a difference. I continue to wish for us to be even more mixed up by God and to be fighters like this:

Amy's gone
And time rolls on
How far? How fast? How long?
The last time we saw Amy
She was headed for the shore
Fighting off the volatile gray skies
She said now begins forever
And that no one knows their time
We bid farewell not knowing
That might be our last goodbye
Amy was a fighter
She cut like Casius Clay
She burned like a fire
Despite these rains
Where time was a question
She only knew one song
She's singing, "How far, how fast,
how long?"
Salvation is a fire
In the midnight of the soul
It lights up like a can of gasoline
Yeah, she's a freedom fighter
She's a stand up kind of girl
She's out to start a fire
In a bar code plastic world
When everything stops moving
And I stop to catch my breath
And ride my train of thought
All the way round
My thoughts return to Amy
And the fire she's begun
She came when we were freezing
And left us burning up
-Amy's Song, Switchfoot

22 and still kickin!

Had an amazing weekend in Clearwater w/ the 'rents full of fondue, laughs, and presents! Tomorrow I'm 22 - woah - sort sounds like an "adulty" age - eh? In any case, I'm still kickin' it like kid in many respects and that makes me happy. Here's a few things to enjoy about being kiddish:

1. Swings in the park
2. Not paying my own cell phone bill, etc
3. Skipping
4. Walking around barefoot w/o worry of disease, nails, dirt
5. Enthusiastic responses w/o fear of being too idealistic
6. Acquiring language w/o this crazy idea that I'm too old
7. Giggling like a little school girl with my best friend
8. Acquiring "best friends" by letting people cut me in line
9. Bringing in a grocery store cake for the class party w/ a Disney character on it
10. Pigtails
11. Singing loudly with no regard for lack of talent
12. Trusting
13. Being amazed and wide-eyed at the small things
And so much more...

what can't a little tulle fix?

okay - so as a lot of you know i am almost 100% moving to virginia for training in mid march and then overseas in may. yay! i'm excited, but also sad to leave the people here that i have come to love so much. i cried yesterday and today -this has got to stop! my precious roommate is going to be flying solo for six weeks in our place until the end of the semester. =^(

however, today (MLK day) we had an amazing day of hanging out, shopping, and concluded with quite a fun project. i'm taking my huge wall hanging that was over our couch so we needed to replace it - and all i can say is - what room can't be made better with two bamboo sticks and seven shades of tulle...?

ps - do you need some? - we have leftovers =^)

Yay!

Yay for New Year's being fun w/ kids from homegroup (the FLU) in Gainesville. We got out of work pretty early and then rang in the New Year - woo hoo!

Tuesday I'm off to the J'man conference so that's pretty much where I am as far as "the future." This week has been good not having to work since Saturday. Enjoying the beautiful city of Clearwater playing games and tennis w/ the family.

I hope everyone had an awesome break and is taking some time to relax before we bust out the study habits again. Much love to all, and FLU - can't wait to see you again!

ps - how 'bout them gators?! =^)

New Year's...

If anyone will be in town (g'ville, that is) for **New Year's Eve** festivities leave a comment and let us know. Jess and I will most likely be around and up for celebrating!!

Yay for 2006!

ornaments...

The newest additions to our wonderful christmas tree!

courageous in a mixed-up way...

I went home this weekend and hung out w/ the ‘rents.  I saw the narnia movie – wow.  Those are amazing books, and one sweet movie.  While I was home I also got to see one of my favorite people, Sharon (aka Jessica’s mom), and she gave a marvelous Christmas present, a CD by Julia Bloom called A human called woman, Reflections on being created female.  The following quote has been quite thought-provoking this week:


"They left their day jobs to witness the truth.  Maybe they're crazy, they're wasting their youth.  Or maybe very courageous in a mixed-up way.  Well I'm wishing you'd mix me up too, and blow your song through these dry bones."  

The song comes from, yet again, Ezekiel!  It’s rockin’ my world this semester.  

I am also very excited b/c our apartment building is doing a secret santa gift exchange/party – I think this makes my 7th year of doing one of these in some form or fashion.  Anyway, living in a ‘hood that acts like one is awesome.  I’m loving it this year.

I’m doing really well these days, though as my lovely roommate and I discussed on Sunday I need to get thicker skin for some situations – like ppl dissing Arabs.  Though I’m not sure if that goes against my philosophy of standing in the fire, being affected by things, struggling with the world around me and not tuning it out.  I’m debating the extent to which I should let things get to me.  Sometimes I feel it’s a catalyst for action, and sometimes just makes me upset.  That’s one thing I’ve been thinking about this week.

Pomp it up and check out these circumstances...

Congrats to the UF C/O 2005!!!!!

Kind of like a surprise party, they've decided to add me too!!

On December 17, 2005 I will become a college graduate - woo hoo!! Next semester I will be in good ol' gville studying Arabic and stuff w/ GCL, working and, of course, socializing w/ all my buddies for my last 4 months in town.

Thanks to all who have made this a beautiful experience.

Here's to useless degrees and being certifiably unemployable! =^)

Criser to Academic Advising, Stir and Repeat

okay, so today i went between criser hall and academic advising about a billion times. those suckas won't give me the money they promised me back in march. so for next semester it's pay for arabic (thx 'rents) or hurry up and graduate then convince my beautiful arabic prof to let me sit in on her class even if i'm not enrolled. one way or another - the study of my new favorite language will continue...!

on a brighter note, i have had an amazing wknd as far as ppl are concerned - got to hang out w/ matt from FLU, cassie, jess, wj, matt from chs, richard, FLU and Boo Ya kids, and today james and kids from class. james reaffirmed that i am a real person as he saw me crying on my way from my bureaucratic nightmare that is UF.

oh, and apparently i'm awesome - a benchmark kinda gal - weird.

if you're looking for new music check out voice of the people on myspace - they are local and hot - hip hop esque. my friend's in it and their shows are way fun - jess and i went out sat again and saw them at common grounds.

got my packet and plane tickets for my interview conference in january today!! one step closer to going over the ocean. yay.

here's to living and loving in gville rain! =^)

Nutter Butter Santa

Well, today in my mailbox was this special package from my aunt in Michigan and my sister, Robyn. My nickname is “Peanut” or just “Nut” to my sister, and so they made me these awesome Nutter Butter Santa cookies!!! So fun…

Albina Aina (our Christmas tree) is still alive and well.

I discovered yesterday there is one extra neighbor we didn’t know about and today my friends in Arabic class decided he’s a superhero named Owl Man. He will teach us everything we need to know, if I ever meet him

Go Gators, Albina Aina, 30E open for studying...

2 Words about yesterday: GO GATORS!!  34-7 over the Seminoles for my last game in the Swamp as a UF student.  Pretty sweet way to go out on the whole thing!!!  We had a blast at the game then made chicken wings (one of my favorite things on earth…woo hoo, go Dewitt w/ the cooking skills)

Thanksgiving was great – my parents came up to Gainesville and we made lots of food.  I had to work the Friday after – go retail jobs – but had the night off so we went to dinner w/ my roomie too then decorated the newest addition to our household  - “Albina Aina” – a Christmas tree (pictures to come soon)!!   Albina means “white skinned” in Italian (she only has on white lights) and Aina means “complicated delivery” in Yoruban (she was a bit complicated to get set up, though neither Jess or I would know since we only did the fun decorating and my parents set the whole thing up while we were at work).  Also, I only made it through the “A” names on www.babynamesworld.com (home to 11,000 names from around the world complete with origins and meanings – now you too can name your Christmas tree).

I woke up early this morning so had a couple hours before church started.  I sat downstairs and had an amazing time reading more from Ezekiel.  Between our candles, the pine tree smell from the Christmas tree, fresh morning air and my Earl Grey Green Tea I was on cloud nine!

I hope everyone had an amazing Thanksgiving and remember as finals are approaching to call if you need anything – we’re around and our apt is open for studying and breaks!

Mending Wall by Robert Frost

An interesting poem from tonight's "Final Jeopardy" question, reminded me of current debates in Middle East conflict...

Mending Wall by Robert Frost

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,

That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,

And spills the upper boulders in the sun;

And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.

The work of hunters is another thing:

I have come after them and made repair

Where they have left not one stone on stone,

But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,

To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,

No one has seen them made or heard them made,

But at spring mending-time we find them there.

I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;

And on a day we meet to walk the line

And set the wall between us once again.

We keep the wall between us as we go.

To each the boulders that have fallen to each.

And some are loaves and some so nearly balls

We have to use a spell to make them balance:

"Stay where you are until our backs are turned!"

We wear our fingers rough with handling them.

Oh, just another kind of outdoor game,

One on a side. It comes to little more:

He is all pine and I am apple-orchard.

My apple trees will never get across

And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.

He only says, "Good fences make good neighbors."

Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder

If I could put a notion in his head:

"Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it

Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.

Before I built a wall I'd ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offence.

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,

That wants it down!" I could say "Elves" to him,

But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather

He said it for himself. I see him there,

Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top

In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.

He moves in darkness as it seems to me,

Not of woods only and the shade of trees.

He will not go behind his father's saying,

And he likes having thought of it so well

He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."

Foundations...

So I have continued to read Ezekiel and today chapter 13 jumped off the page at me.  Basically, God is warning against false prophets and has compared them to building a poor wall, whitewashing it and making people feel comfortable in their deception.  He promises to bring a storm to take off the whitewash and destroy the poorly built walls of false prophets and strip things down to their foundation.  I had two immediate reactions to this section.  First, I am reminded of the contemporary Pharisees to Jesus and how he referred them as whitewashed tombs – looking nice, but completely dead and lacking.  Second, my heart is immediately under inspection.  Who am I if all the whitewashing and poorly built walls of my life are stripped away by a storm and only my foundations are left?  I am scared to know, and at the same moment this is the thing my heart is longing for in an incredibly intense way.  There is a part in I Corinthians 3 about Jesus being our foundation, and how no matter who builds on it – Paul or Apollos- our foundation is Christ and that doesn’t change.  A good prophet builds firm walls for people without the need for whitewashing, deceit, cover up or scandal.  What kinds of walls have been built in my life?  What have I chosen to allow and aid construction for in my life?  What kinds of walls am I building onto other people’s foundations?  Will they stand the test of the fiery furnace? Will they withstand a storm of God’s judgment?  I believe that more than anything else I desire refinement by God.  While it sounds awful scary for the false prophets in Ezekiel, it has caused me to consider what is left after all the whitewashed crap is destroyed?  What am I left with?  The cry of my heart is still that of Ps 51 – I know that God desires truth in the innermost parts and so do I.  

I seem to be left with more questions than answers on this from Ezekiel, but I have feeling there is more to come on all this.  On a more practical note, these things are happening in my life.  I am being changed and disciplined by the experiences around me and it seems like I fail time after time, but somehow it’s getting better.  My lifegroup girls are amazing and are teaching me a lot about becoming the person I want to turn into.

Arabic, Coffee, Glory of God....

Okay- design to the left says "Amber Ruth" in Arabic...what a beautiful language. I am so enjoying studying Arabic this year. It's keeping me sane academically. Ana tahibuna ktir habibis!! I'm thinking about getting a tattoo at some point...let me know what you think of this design - I love it.

So I had a breakdown yesterday when I started talking with my wonderful roommate/best friend and another friend about moving away and leaving this life behind. Yikes! I just started crying...poor kids, didn't know what to do with me.

It's started to get cold again and I have kept up my habit of drinking coffee inside and outside as an afternoon ritual, often having random conversations in the backyard with our neighbors and Jess when she's around for it too. No worries, I am still a hot tea girl! I enjoy a cup every morning during my first hour at work.

The thought I have been dwelling on most that has stuck with me from Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell (ps - I much recommend you read this if you haven't) is that the "glory" of God is a phrase that doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me all the time. What the heck do we mean by "glory"? John Piper helped me to understand glorifying God to some degree means enjoying God, delighting in Him (I have learned through experience there is a certain correlation between joy and obedience) and making a big deal out of God. Okay -then Velvet Elvis enters, and I think about the glory of God in creation to be understood as the weight or significance of God. You look around and you can see it - the weight of God is in each thing. His signficance fills the earth - hence, his glory fills the earth. Let me know what you think.

On a random note - we have twinkle lights, 2 wreaths and stockings - I caved in and let Jess have Christmas a little early...=^)

life, pictures of prophets, why inside the fire?

okay - so i set up this whole blog thing a couple months ago and have been waiting to "launch" it as it were until...i don't know...some catalyst came along that motivated me to make sure I am still connected with everyone etc. well, ladies and gents the day has come. latest news here is that i'm going to the journeyman conference in january to interview for a position to go overseas for 2 years - woo hoo!!!! i'll know for sure about everything in january, so feel free to be praying about that stuff.

otherwise, life is good and i'm excited. motivation for school is lacking, but alas what to do? this weekend was awesome. jess and i went to st. augustine with a friend from work thursday night and friday. we bummed around the city taking all kinds of crazy pictures and participating in your general sort of tomfoolery. i saw jarhead with my neighbor last night who was in the marines and did two tours in iraq. it was an interesting perspective to have on the whole thing. i've been learning a lot about the war, the military and my own judgments on these things.

i've been reading ezekiel lately - check it out if you haven't in awhile and thinking about how i want my life to in some way be a picture to people of God's vision for them. ezekiel and hosea both did this for the nation of israel in the old testament, and i want to be that willing. i know that means life might be really hard, but it's worth it. i want to be used to show His vision for people to understand his glory/significance. i know the first place to start with all that is the vision of me dying to myself, taking up my cross and following Jesus in new life. but even after this story of redemption my life shows i have just felt a need to offer my life to God to be a picture of a specific vision for this time, place and people.

as for standing inside the fire...garth brooks "standing outside the fire" is one of my favorite songs ever. i believe in risking worth getting hurt for the sake of community, love, friendships, and experience.